Stop Caring What Others Think About YOU
Don't let the bastards grind you down (DN 4.11)
We have explored the dark side of our social nature—the toxic collectivism that leads to single-solution systems imposed by force. We have explored why these systems force us to care about what other people think and believe…and why we should stop doing so nonetheless.
The next part of our journey is to look at why each of us should stop caring so much about what other people think of us.
Part of the group
It should go without saying that we need to care somewhat. Part of being a member of a social species (and a nice person) is being considerate of others.
You shouldn’t knock people out of the way to get to the drinking fountain first. You shouldn’t walk around your neighborhood singing show-tunes at 3:00 AM (even though I know you really, really want to).
How others perceive and feel about you does matter to a degree. It makes life better—and it makes you better—to be nice to others, and to be liked by them.
This social concern presses upon everyone to some degree, and rightly so. Unfortunately, many people allow the opinions of others to impact them too much.
If you are supremely confident (or highly arrogant and antisocial), this next section may not apply to you. But such people are far rarer than the millions failing to live up to their glorious and unique potential because of insecurity and fear.
Illegitimi non carborundum
It starts young: the opinions of others create an invisible circle of “acceptable” behavior. Invisible, but very real. Some of that is necessary, but many allow it to affect and control them to an unhealthy degree.
Crippling insecurity
Empathy and forbearance are important prosocial emotions. But how about insecurity? How is it helpful for an individual to feel like she’s not good enough? Or that he should hide his true personality?
Couldn‘t we be so much more than we are if we weren’t afraid to explore what it means to be genuinely and fully ourselves? Even if our concern were for the social group rather than the individual, does it really do the group any good to lose out on the infinite diversity that comes from individual uniqueness?
The goal of the mob, in the aggregate, is to try to blanch the individuality out of individuals—to reduce differences and lower everyone to a common denominator. That will probably be the case for a long time to come. But you do not have to like it or let it happen to you.
Be YOU. All the way. Be the you-iest you that you can possibly be. Let it fly!
We all feel some insecurity, but it is important not to let insecurity get the better of us. And for goodness sake, don’t let it become crippling.
Remember two things: First, most people aren’t actually thinking all that much about you. It may seem that way, but for the most part, they are thinking about themselves and their own lives. Second, a lot of people are just jerks.
So be nice, but don’t worry too much about what others think of you. Do your thing.
Innovation and disagreeableness
One characteristic shared by many innovators is disagreeableness. In order to overcome the stultifying effect of the mob, a person needs to have the courage, clarity, and strength not to give a crap what the mob says or thinks. To say, I believe in my idea…because I believe in myself.
How many inventions have died on the vine for fear of the opinions of others? How many creative projects have withered in the face of negativity? How much better would our lives be now if those people cared a little less about what others thought of them?
Of course, if you are too disagreeable, you'll have no friends. But if you go to the other end of the spectrum and become too agreeable, then you have no YOU…
People-pleasing
As a result of some ineffable combination of nature and nurture, people-pleasers have a much higher vulnerability to the opinions and feelings of others—sometimes rising to levels requiring clinical intervention. The worse it gets, the more the self is lost in the needs—perceived or real—of friends, family, and even strangers.
The result is ongoing anxiety and a loss of self-worth. That’s no way to live. Balance is important, and one certainly should not swing to the extreme selfishness end of the spectrum. But there is only one you in the world, and your self-ness should not get lost in the weeds of others.
The madding crowd
No matter what you do, you will always have detractors. You could cure cancer, and some would say you’re causing overpopulation. You could write a beautiful symphony, and some will say it is derivative. You could cure cancer while writing a symphony, saving a drowning child, and fighting off hostile space aliens, and someone would say you’re showboating. Or that your eyes are too close together. Or that it wasn’t really you.
A famous quote, frequently misattributed to Abraham Lincoln, says, “You can please some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” What is interesting is not the misattribution, however, but the fact that most of the quote is just plain wrong.
You can please some of the people all of the time.
No, you can't. There is no person, or number of persons, who can be pleased all of the time.
You can please all of the people some of the time.
That will never happen. No matter what you do, someone, somewhere, is not going to like it.
Unanimity is impossible. You will always have detractors. So why bother worrying about the fact that some people disagree with you?
Do you feel confident that you are correct in your convictions? Good. Go with that. Learn from others, but don't let the opinions of others slow you down.
Agree to disagree…or don't.
The phrase “let's agree to disagree” is, in one sense, an expression of the preciousness of time and the cost-benefit analysis of continuing a debate. Sometimes, you spend hours going back and forth with a single person, and then you realize that neither of you is going to change the other's mind…and that there are better things you could be doing with your time.
“Let's agree to disagree” is a polite way of expressing that. Politeness is good, and the expression has value. However, there is technically no need to agree on anything. It's okay to disagree. You can talk about it if you like, but you also don't have to.
We are talking about a fundamental shift in psychology here. Our ultra-social nature screams at us to find consensus.
We need to get over that.
Getting along means being nice. Getting along means not initiating force against others, or trespassing against their person, property, or freedom. But (and here comes some all-caps)…
GETTING ALONG DOES NOT REQUIRE IDEOLOGICAL CONSENSUS.
Indeed, if humanity is ever truly to get along, we need to evolve OUT OF the need to agree on everything, and INTO letting people do their own thing.
If you are getting something out of this work and would like to see our project succeed, please consider supporting these efforts. It takes so little, but it all adds up to something big!
Cover page | Preface | Introduction 1 | Introduction 2 | Introduction 3 |
(Part I) Why: 1.0 | 1.1 | 1.2 | 1.3 | 1.4 | 1.5 | 1.6 | 1.7 | 1.8 | 1.9 | 1.10 | 1.11 | 1.12 | 1.13 | 1.14 | 1.15 | 1.16 | 1.17 | 1.18 | 1.19 | 1.20 | 1.21 |1.22
(Part II) What: 2.0 | 2.1 | 2.2 | 2.3 | 2.4 | 2.5 | 2.6 | 2.7 | 2.8 | 2.9 | 2.10 I 2.11 | 2.12 | 2.13 | 2.14 | 2.15 | 2.16 | 2.17 | 2.XX | 2.18 | 2.19 | 2.20 | 2.21 | | Where: 3.0 | 3.1 | 3.2 | 3.3 | 3.4 | 3.5 | 3.6 | 3.7 | 3.8 | 3.9 | 3.10 | 3.11 | 3.12 | 3.13 || Who: 4.0 | 4.1 | 4.2 | 4.3 | 4.4 | 4.5 | 4.XX | 4.XY | 4.6 | 4.7 | 4.8 | 4.9 | 4.10 | 4.11
I love this so much. I was definitely raised to be a people pleaser, and I think that's led to me being less pleased with myself, and attracting people into my life that aren't pleased with me, either (probably because they are also not pleased with THEMselves). It's a cycle worth breaking, for sure. Thanks for the encouragement!
Well said. Epictetus said it well too: “If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.”