Ways to Be Kinder Online

Civility is within our reach (DN 4.4)

Cover page | Preface | Introduction 1 | Introduction 2 | Introduction 3 |

(Part I) Why: 1.0 | 1.1 | 1.2 | 1.3 | 1.4 | 1.5 | 1.6 | 1.7 | 1.8 | 1.9 | 1.10 | 1.11 | 1.12 | 1.13 | 1.14 | 1.15 | 1.16 | 1.17 | 1.18 | 1.19 | 1.20 | 1.21 |1.22

(Part II) What: 2.0 | 2.1 | 2.2 | 2.3 | 2.4 | 2.5 | 2.6 | 2.7 | 2.8 | 2.9 | 2.10 I 2.11 | 2.12 | 2.13 | 2.14 | 2.15 | 2.16 | 2.17 | 2.XX | 2.18 | 2.19 | 2.20 | 2.21 | | Where: 3.0 | 3.1 | 3.2 | 3.3 | 3.4 | 3.5 | 3.6 | 3.7 | 3.8 | 3.9 | 3.10 | 3.11 | 3.12 | 3.13 || Who: 4.0 | 4.1 | 4.2 | 4.3 | 4.4

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Note: This is an installment of The Distributed Nation. For installments of The Freedom Scale (book), see here.

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Chapter 4.4
Civility 2: Rules of Thumb

In the previous installment, we discussed some of the causes of incivility. Now, let’s look at some methods for overcoming those obstacles.

On the surface, the calculus is quite simple: Wrath invites wrath. Hostility invites hostility.

It is said that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” but I do not like that expression. People aren’t flies, and this is not some sort of trick or trap. We are trying to speak truth and get people to hear it. And it is just a fact that people are far more receptive when you aren’t a jerk about it.

Here are few rules of thumb that really help.

Be water, not fire.

Using elements as a metaphor is far better than anything about honey and flies.

When someone rolls up on you with anger online, the first impulse is to respond with anger. This is impulse is entirely understandable—indeed, it might even be a hard-wired survival mechanism. But in this case, that mechanism is neither needed nor helpful, and must be resisted. Fire plus fire makes a bigger fire that burns everything to the ground. Nothing especially productive comes out of such exchanges.

Instead, when someone is fire, it is best to respond as water. Water is cool. Water extinguishes fire. Water is unstoppable. If you make your arguments well, you don’t need to be loud about it. The truth is the truth.

Stay calm, no matter what

The contrast between fire and water is quite powerful. This contrast is felt by your counterpart in any discussion, and, like steam rising from a calm, flat lake, it can be seen by anyone observing the conversation.

When someone is fire, they expect fire in response. When they get water instead, it is immediately disarming. No one expects their closed fist to be met with an open hand.

Humans can be contentious creatures—especially when we are discussing contentious things. But we also get a wonderful feeling from the act of making peace. And when someone meets the flames of war with an olive branch, it can have an amazing effect.

Try it yourself. No matter how harshly someone begins a discussion, respond calmly and with kindness. Watch the effect. Far more often than not, the person calms down, and a real conversation begins. Sometimes, the person actually apologizes, or at least becomes really nice.

I have seen this approach (speaking specifically of Substack) turn a non-subscriber into a subscriber. I have even seen subscribers become a paid subscribers as a direct consequence of being met with kindness. It is a gesture of appreciation—a way of saying thank you for the good feelings engendered by peace and civility. It is the conscience saying, “Dang, there I was doing the typical flamey internet thing, and (s)he responded with kindness anyway.”

The bigger goal, of course, is not paid subscribers; it is the liberation of all of humankind—here, there, and everywhere, for all time. We should all be allies in this glorious work, not yelling at each other over minor points of disagreement.

Proceed without anger

Delivery companies drill their drivers with one message over and over: Drive without emotion. As you will immediately perceive, this is excellent advice for, say, a UPS driver.

People are going to cut us off in traffic. People are going to be rude online. If we get angry every time, we’re going to dwell in constant anger. That is not healthy or helpful.

That being said, I am not suggesting that we speak without any emotion whatsoever. Positive emotions—joy, fellowship, peace—are excellent for communication. But I would recommend driving without anger. As discussed above, it produces better results, but it also is just better for our own wellbeing.

‘Give people the benefit of the doubt’

Domenic C. Scarcella

used that phrase recently in a related discussion, and I think it is a point well taken. Giving the benefit of the doubt can be powerful medicine.

You don’t know what anyone is going through on any particular day, or what they have gone through in their life. That does not necessarily excuse rude behavior, but it can help explain it. And a little understanding goes a long way.

I think James Goodrich (

J Goodrich News Letter

) said it well:

There will always come a time that we should acknowledge someone’s need for our kindness and support. It’s sometimes hard to imagine but even the people we think are strong, happy and stable can be carrying a weight that is invisible to most all of the people around them. On the outside they are smiling, everything seems fine, but on the inside they’re hurting. I’m sure if we look inside ourselves there are many unresolved issues, maybe a judgement we placed on someone, or a person we refused forgiveness. Personally in the past there are a few people I had sat in judgement of when they most certainly needed a kind word, or understanding. There are times where people may need correction but more often than not people don’t need our judgement they need our support. Kindness or kind words are healing to people, it can be a medicine that we all have and should give many times more than we do. If we had the cure for what ails someone you know you would’nt withhold it from them. Kindness costs us nothing, and if we could sometimes put ourselves into another’s shoes we would be much more likely to hand out healing words.

It’s not always easy to put this attitude into practice, but we should try.

You also don’t know exactly what someone was thinking when they typed a message. Maybe they simply didn’t pay enough attention to their tone. Or maybe you are having a bad day and are thus more prone to misperceiving it.

We could write a whole post just on giving people the benefit of the doubt, but you get the gist. Don’t assume the worst, and even when someone truly is being uncivil, try to empathize. Try to remember a time that you might have done the same.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone seems like pretty good advice in such circumstances.

Start out with something nice

It is very helpful to say something pleasant and welcoming before leaping to the main point you want to make in your reply. People appreciate it when you acknowledge what they wrote—not just as something to which you wish to respond, but on the merits themselves. Just saying, “I hear you” or “I understand what you are saying” goes a long way.

You don’t have to say it if you don’t mean it, of course—we want to be genuine, not phony. But if you think about it, then you almost certainly do agree with some aspect of their comment, or you can at least understand where they are coming from.

It is also good to look for points about which you agree and acknowledge those. It sends the message that you are not wholly and solely adversaries on the topic.

Take accountability

Taking accountability takes at least two forms.

The first relates to the point above about casting stones. It is helpful for me, for example, to remember that I had beliefs in the past that I now consider to be wrong—some even terribly wrong. And yet I defended them with passion at the time—sometimes with a passion that crossed the line to being overbearing. I try to remember that when someone starts on me in the same way. It helps me to take some accountability for how I have been,

The second involves one of the most powerful phrases in any language: I am sorry. Equally powerful—and in some cases more powerful than—the words “I love you,” apologizing works wonders.

“I’m sorry I misunderstood you.”

“I probably should have written more clearly.”

“My bad.”

These are words of power. Say them even if you don’t really think you were in the wrong. The results are astounding. Anger + anger = more anger. Anger met with conciliation is likely to produce a sudden shift to conciliation in your interlocutor.

Try it and watch the magic happen.

Set pride aside

It is not easy to ignore rudeness. And there are certainly incentives pushing us not to…

When someone hits you, it is sometimes necessary to hit them back. Similarly, responding to rudeness with rudeness feels like no more than justice.

There is definitely a time for equilibrative justice, but these sorts of conversations cannot really be made productive that way. By responding in the way they don’t expect, however—by meeting fire with water—some good may come out of the exchange.

It is also reasonable to wonder if onlookers will see it as ‘weakness’ if you let rudeness slide. And the truth is that some will. But meeting anger with calm and kindness requires a higher kind of strength, and a different class of people—dare I say a better class of people?—will recognize it as such.

It is not easy to set aside one’s pride, but do it anyway. The results are quite stunning.

Know your stuff

This one is easy. Simply put, the more you know your subject inside and out, the easier it is to stay calm when discussing it. When we think we know what we think we know, but we’re not actually fully sure…that’s when we become more likely to raise our voices—even just out of excitement, striving for the next thought or point, etc.

Keep studying. The more we know, the easier it is to teach and learn with calmness and respect.

Speak as if you are in person

I like the way

Frater Seamus

put it:

I try to operate online as if everyone I engage with is somebody I may bump into in real life at some point in the near future. I'd like to be able to look that person in the eye and say “What's up?” rather than ducking around a corner to hide from embarrassment.

You never have to retreat from the high ground. You don’t have to feel shame if you tried to do the right thing. And you don’t have to worry about getting slugged in the mouth if you didn’t say anything worthy of getting slugged the mouth!

It is so much better, for so many reasons, to make friends rather than enemies.

And we will discuss some of those reasons in our next installment…