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Hat Bailey's avatar

I have spent so much of my life alone. My greatest dream was a close intimate relationship with a real soulmate. Never happened. I grew up damaged in the self esteem area and felt very oppressed and conscious that there was "something wrong with me." When I started breaking free from some of the early programming and developed a strong feeling of being in a world and social environment that was very uncomfortable for me. I had a hard time being around most people, felt oppressed by groups, most of whom demanded compliance of some sort or other to their programming. My most happy jobs were being a long haul truck driver with no relationships, lasting friends or any romantic connections. In some ways I felt freer to be myself and less lonely than I had been when I was married. I have come to appreciate most of the people I meet and interact with and have a few friends that I can rely on, yet none that I would consider really intimate in sharing inner feelings, intentions, dreams and personal goals. Yet I have through all this I have become more aware of that Divine Presence within that is always there through thick and thin, lifetime after lifetime, any place and every day. Because of this I don't spend a lot of time being miserably lonely like I did for many many years in my wandering. I know the time will certainly come when I will be with people who share my greatest passions and hopes. So few people really want to know who you actually are, just how you might be able to affect their lives for good or bad and agree with their particular paradigm.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

I am an extrovert {obviously 🤣}, but I also enjoy my alone time. I would have liked long-haul trucking, though I start to get sleepy after more than 11 hours driving.

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Hat Bailey's avatar

I really did like it, always a new destination, no cooking, got to see the whole country, been to all 48 states and some of Canada, no boss looking over your shoulder. As long as the load arrived safely and on time they were very happy with you. I got pretty good at handling the big rigs, for me it was fun. Would still be doing it off and on if they hadn't wanted biometric ID, but I was ready to get off the grid after the betrayal of 911. The rules actually mandated adequate rest, although the hours could be pretty irregular and I admit there were a few times in those days before automatic logging that I artfully arranged my log entries, but I could pretty much sleep any time of day or night. I preferred to go according to my circadian rhythm.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

It sounds like both fun and a grind. Did you listen to music, self-help tapes, or learn Japanese while you drove?

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Potent stuff, Hat.

I known there are lessons that one can only learn when one is alone. But they can be hard lessons. And maybe some people never learn them at all, and just live unhappily alone. You are one of the coolest people I have met here, so I am not surprised that your experiences have made you stronger.

May I ask who programmed you in the way you describe, when you were young?

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Hat Bailey's avatar

I think we all get programmed to some degree, and I imagine it is worse in our educational institutions now than then, but I was raised in a very devout Mormon family with strong very conservative and patriotic values. My father grew up in an orphanage, was a very young and inexperienced father and a very positive and courageous man, but demanding and impatient. He knew how you were supposed to feel and what you were supposed to believe and me being a little chameleon stuffed all my own feelings and opinions and felt that I had to hide my own personal opinions, doubts, weaknesses and live life according to someone else's values. To survive in the environment I found myself in I had a strong compulsion to convince myself of things that deep inside I knew were unacceptable to those I depended on for everything. I "knew" that Mormonism was right, the only true church and I was wrong and needed to hide my fear and carefully hidden (especially from myself) dislike of the God I believed in but could not ever understand, love and measure up to. Oddly it was another program Scientology that broke my Mormon programming and then "A Course in Miracles" that broke the Scientology programming and set me on my way to becoming a more authentic and freer person.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

I am glad you are free.

Parenting is going to end up being the final puzzle, isn't it? When all the other things are solved, we'll still be at sea in terms of raising children.

I mean, I think my wife and I did a decent job. But when I think back, I can still start listing all the things I feel like we did wrong. And we were *trying* to do it right. So many parents don't even try, and just heap their personality flaws and problems onto these innocent little sponges. It's crazy!

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Nelson Martin's avatar

Peaceful Parenting is a hugely important topic that I hope is on your agenda to include in this book. Also, homeschooling and particularly unschooling.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Have you written about it anywhere?

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Nelson Martin's avatar

I have not, but here are a few links and one excerpt on Peaceful Parenting that I have appreciated if you or others are interested to take a look.

https://www.peacefulparent.com/the-peaceful-parenting-philosophy/

"Parenting without punishment is essential when supporting the child to make choices from a place of integrity, self-discipline and self-responsibility rather than fear of disapproval or desire for reward. Children are particularly vulnerable to experience excessive stress or trauma, so an essential element in decreasing and preventing trauma is for the child to feel as secure as possible with their parent/ caregiver. And an essential element of emotional safety is for the child to trust that their parent will maintain the warm connection and will not resort to treating the child harshly. Creating a culture of mutual respect, empathy and respectful listening, sensitivity to each person’s feelings and diplomatic problem solving all help to foster communication in the family that’s based more on love, respect and compassion. So, not only is there an alternative to punishment, it’s the only alternative that leads to long term peace and harmony in families and effectively meets children’s needs for emotional safety, security, developing emotional intelligence and unconditional love."

The Case for NAP Parenting https://everything-voluntary.com/the-case-for-nap-parenting

Plain Talk About Spanking https://www.nospank.net/pt2011.htm

The Political Consequences of Child Abuse https://web.archive.org/web/20140929222114/http://www.psychohistory.com/htm/06_politic.html

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James Goodrich's avatar

Hat, although there are many people that prefer to be alone, I’m sad for people that are alone but would rather be with people or have a special person in their life. Growing up I had three older siblings, my two parents and back then, before people only have relationships with their phones, there were always social things going on between the neighborhood, school and family. Sometimes at my wife’s work parties, not knowing anyone, I would feel awkward and isolated.

We know there are people that are lonely or isolated and this to me can be a great opportunity when even if you have very little you can still give. We always have something to give. It’s amazing for older people that have enough to get by but don’t have someone when all they may need is a hand with something or just a conversation. Sometimes people just need a little of your time. Giving a person a little of your time can lift them from loneliness isolation and even depression. I remember during the pandemic I called every older person I could think of and asked how they were, if they needed anything, even toilet paper as it was so hard to get. I got such a response from people that felt isolated and just to know there was someone concerned about them comforted them from the burden of being isolated. We all have something to give, it’s sometimes just a little of your time. You’re a good person Hat!!

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Christopher Cook's avatar

💙

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albert venezio's avatar

You are very empathetic Christopher - which goes so well with Distribution Nation.

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Hat Bailey's avatar

Finding Christopher and this group has given me a lot of relief for my residual loneliness, a gifted person once told me that I would eventually find my "soul tribe" or people after my own heart.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

We got you, Hat.

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albert venezio's avatar

That is Wonderful Hat!

I understand.

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Angela Morris's avatar

Interesting post. I've spent much of my life in solitude aside from animal companions. Loneliness is a place of comfort and a gift, though it can create imbalance. In a world that promotes busyness as a badge of honor, being able to sit in the stillness of our own being can be difficult, eye opening...but also freeing. The things that once brought me joy in groups or things "to do" with others no longer interests me. I imagine a world where we sit around and read poetry, learn how to waltz, discuss life and make things, build new ways...or perhaps it's old ways anew...but there is freedom inside the pain and joy of loneliness, of solitude, of being a solo-soul-walking our own soles home....and yet I know there is also freedom in divine union, in the surrender, in devotion, in sharing with another, each offer up something unique that reflects back to us a part of ourselves unavailable in the other. We reside in a sea of infinite love that sometimes can only be found by being unloved ....and then given all away....to animals, to others, to life...to freedom.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

I had meant to add some sort of clarification that loneliness is not the same as being alone—just so people did not think I was saying that being alone is a bad thing. But then I forgot :-)

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Angela Morris's avatar

I understand. I think people fear loneliness but there is actually wisdom inside the allowing of ourselves to feel this way when that is the reality. As with anything, if we resist it then we give over to it instead of allowing it to move through us as a point in time that may be serving a deeper purpose.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

And as Hat and I were just discussing, there are lessons one can only learn in solitude. And if one is happy, one is happy!

If you could wave a magic wand, would you add another person to your life and your little farm?

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Angela Morris's avatar

if it is meant to be, yes, but it is hard to imagine as I do not know any other way to be...

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Do you mean that you have gotten so accustomed to being by yourself (doing things your own way, being in sole control of your own destiny, etc.)?

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Angela Morris's avatar

yes :)

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Hat Bailey's avatar

Yes, the Voice of wisdom has said that there is a time and a season for all things. Learning to be stable within during the storms and losses of life is a thing we all must learn at some point. I'm looking forward to those more enjoyable and pleasant lessons and rewards that lie ahead for those of us who learn these tough love lessons.

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Jim in Alaska's avatar

Lonely? Nope. Even though at 86 the majority of my friends and acquaintances are dead. I'm glad they were when they were. Enough said.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Yep—as long as one is happy, there is no problem. I just mean the people who are unhappy with their situation.

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Anthony Bruni's avatar

A connected society is a hard to govern society.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Oh man, that is such a good point.

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Gene's avatar

Wow, Hat, are you really me? I'm 63, been married twice, but neither ever blossomed. Have two kids, one from each one, they are 43 and 23. I live alone now, with my dog, in a rural little town. Never had a relationship longer than 7 years, most under 6 months. Soulmate? What is that? I have found that most of the time I have more feelings for animals, pets, dogs especially, than people. I had to put a cat I loved to sleep once, and I cried for days. My mother died, and I didn't shed a tear. Why, I don't know. Dogs only want you to love them, and will love you back unconditionally. After my 2nd divorce, which was kinda nasty, I decided to let God decide if I should be lonely or not. If He does need me to be lonely, than it's ok, because God assigned that to me. Seeing a first year tiny little fruit tree (mulberry in this case) come back to life after the soil in it's pot was frozen solid for a week over the winter, then it sprouts leaves, gives me more joy than the last lady I dated ever could. The mulberry seeds came from a tree at her house, so I guess it was a good relationship, she dumped me for being a Trump supporter. But the lady I dated before her, died in my bedroom, which was worse than being lonely. Long Story. But being alone isn't all bad. You can do whatever you want with your time, and not have to worry about what your partner needs. I'm not unhappy or miserable, no more than I am from being disabled, and if the Lord wants me to have a partner, He will send one to me.

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Hat Bailey's avatar

Yes, acceptance comes with time Gene, and all things can grant certain gifts and make us stronger even though they are not always what we think we want or can imagine. I absolutely value the time freedom for what really matters to me and there are things that we need to go through alone sometimes.

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Amaterasu Solar's avatar

While surely I have felt loneliness in My life, ever since the realization that I held a key, and started working towards getting awareness out on what that key can provide, with My work for Humanity... No loneliness at all. Whether I am alone or with someOne.

But yes, My heart goes out the the Ones who feel that. Love always!

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Christopher Cook's avatar

So far, most everyone who has commented has been admirably happy in their condition of solitude. It's a strong and independent bunch here. But yes, to those who are lonely, my heart goes out!

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Charlotte Pendragon's avatar

I admire your genuine heart, Christopher. Your story Of your son standing in the room with children and toys surrounding him reminds me of one of my own stories. I have been caring for a little girl since she was two, and now she’s six. She formed a friendship with another girl when they met in TK a few years ago. While they often have their share of conflicts, she frequently shares stressful stories about their relationship. One evening, I asked her what drew her to her friend. She recounted that on the first day of school, she felt lonely and scared, unsure of what to do, but then her friend approached her and gave her a hug—a complete stranger coming to her aid out of nowhere. Since that moment, they have been best friends. It brought tears to my eyes when I thought about the loneliness she experienced on that first day of school.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Wow—that hug was a powerful gesture. How old were they then? About four?

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Charlotte Pendragon's avatar

Yes, three years old. And it turns out they are both only children in their families. They must have felt that invisible connection and bonded. 🤗

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Little gestures can mean so much.

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Charlotte Pendragon's avatar

Of course, we’ve all had older relatives interest homes. I watched my Nana G and my father-in-law for a few years while they were residents. Every day we would visit and bring fresh home cooked meals. I felt so bad for so many who were completely neglected by their families. It’s devastating, and can be a death sentence for the lonely. We would often stop and visit with many of them and they really appreciated the company.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

We used to all live on farms, and take care of our elders. But I get how rough that can be. Also, I just had a thought…

I wonder if our elders (generally) remained healthier and functional for longer, and then had a shorter period of decline, than we do today. They got more exercise then (keeping them functional longer) but had less medical care. I wonder if it is the case that elders "linger" much longer today than they did in the past—living a much longer time after the point where they are no longer functional.

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Charlotte Pendragon's avatar

I learned from my experience there that the average person entering a convalescent home and who is neglected lives may be 4 to 6 months. The ones who have family and friends visit on a regular basis live much longer 1-5 years maybe on average depending on their condition. My Nana G had been in there three years and she was in her late 90s when she passed away. The only reason she passed away was because of neglect. We are all banned from visiting her during the Covid lockdowns. When that happened she died within six months. The same with my father-in-law. He was doing well and the rest home, but when locked down he was confused and passed away very fast. Those places were cleared out during lockdowns. So much debt. Death camps.

From my experience, and talking to a lot of staff members I found that an average person entering the convalescent home I’m referring and who faced neglect typically lived only about 4 to 6 months. In contrast, those who had regular visits from family and friends tend to live significantly longer, averaging between 1 to 5 years, depending on their overall condition. For instance, my Nana G was in that convalescent home for three years and was in her late 90s when she passed away. Unfortunately, her decline was due to neglect; we were prohibited from visiting her during the COVID lockdowns, and she passed away within six months of those restrictions. Similarly, my father-in-law was doing well in the rest home but became confused and deteriorated rapidly after the lockdown began. Many residents faced similar fates during that time, raising concerns about the care provided in those facilities, which felt more like death camps than places of recovery. I watched it first hand through the windows. The financial and emotional toll was devastating.

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Bettina's avatar

My cure for loneliness is a dog! Best pal ever, constant companion. Conversations are a bit one-sided though 🤩

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Hat Bailey's avatar

I do love my little cat too, a reliable affectionate companion. Fits well into my solitary life of reflection and study.

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patrick.net/memes's avatar

This is why genealogy is important. To know and meet your own relatives adds a lot of meaning and comfort to life. A couple of years ago during the depths of the plandemic, I created a genealogy site for this very reason:

https://webfam.net/about

I've mailed about 100 books to relatives so far, and they've been popular. It's also a business, to keep it going. It's just me, and not well polished yet. Suggestions appreciated.

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Fun idea! My first suggestion would be to show pics of what the books look like.

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patrick.net/memes's avatar

Yes, I need to do that.

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The Lurking Ophelia's avatar

Ah this reminded me of how I felt during COVID; I know most people were radicalized by vaccine/mask mandates, but for me it was quarantine––the quotidian interpersonal interaction (wasn't a social butterfly and was still rather out of my element, but I did talk to teachers and the like) I took for granted just evanesced, haha.

One of my favourite songs will have to be 'Zero Chance' by Soundgarden:

"Why doesn't anyone believe in loneliness? / Stand up and everyone will see your holiness"

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Christopher Cook's avatar

Covid was inhuman. The people who perpetrated it are monsters.

How about now? Are you happy with where you are?

I am listening to 'Zero Chance' by Soundgarden now.

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The Lurking Ophelia's avatar

Plus, I ended up getting covid anyways, so the rules only ended up making me allergic to "safety over liberty" rhetoric now.

Generally much happier (now I'm often surprised at how desolate I felt at the time haha), thank you! :D

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Christopher Cook's avatar

I am glad.

And everybody got covid. Because they measures taken were never about saving people from covid. They were about making people feel desolate.

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An K.'s avatar

🙌👏👏👏🫶

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