I try to operate online as if everyone I engage with is somebody I may bump into in real life at some point in the near future. I'd like to be able to look that person in the eye and say "what's up?" rather than ducking around a corner to hide from embarrasment.
I rarely engage in hot button political discourse with anyone online any more, but if I do I always keep it civil and avoid personal attacks, if people could just stick to the rules of polite debate it wouldn't be such a shitstorm of negativity and divide out there.
It's all about the way we do it—the way we communicate. We want to reach people, so we should find the best way to do that. Plus, being nicer feels better.
Bottom line is if you want to persuade people its better not to be a complete dick. The standards of behavior are even
more important when you are an out group rather than the dominant one which describes where the liberty movement sits. Heterodox ideas are already threatening so sounding unhinged only makes that worse. I struggle with this myself as I’m good at trolling, but I’ve been working on it.
"Heterodox ideas are already threatening so sounding unhinged only makes that worse."
—May I cite you on this?
"I struggle with this myself as I’m good at trolling, but I’ve been working on it."
—I get it. I know there are lots of personality types, and, as I plan to write tomorrow or Thursday, I hate to sound like I am prescribing or proscribing behavior. But it's about what's most effective, and as a movement libertarian/conservative/anarchist/classical liberal, I think it is essential that we be effective!
You've done a good job with the attempt to maintain civility. Not just in your interactions with me, but with people that start out on the rude side of confrontational. I've seen you choose to pursue dialog with some and make progress. I've also seen you abandon the conversation when it's clear to you that productive conversation isn't going to happen. I'm sure you miss out on the the fun of a clever zinger, but when a disinterested third party sees the whole conversation, it advances your views in their mind. In the heat of argument we often forget the mind we are going to change is not the one on the other end of the debate, but rather the observers.
All of these conversations also become part of the "permanent record" of the posts, to be seen at any time in the future. So there's one more incentive right there.
Thanks for the kind words—I am pleased to learn that you have observed my efforts. I occasionally stumble, but I am trying.
Beautiful post, Christopher. Substack amazes me sometimes, for often a thought pattern I have been exploring in my mind, say, while driving or running errands, comes out in a post by writers I often read, with deep resonance. Today, for example I was doing mundane but important errands, and I felt the need to emanate kindness ~ for the couples together, the cute teens in groups eating pizza, the alone dude, and for myself who is going through some intense growth, and change.
While driving I thought, "Isn't it important to comport oneself with kindness and set that environment for others, for we all need it these days." Then, i went on...the kid sitting alone having pizza felt better because I was okay sitting solo having pizza, taking a break in deep rest. Being kind and civilized can save a scared person's life. It can remind others that we are all going through stuff, and if we send out some love (not fake cheer or phony 'everything is just fine,') but the dignity of recognition ~ then, we can all remember that each phase of life is a common bond. And then, from that, we can share a respect for one another's experiences, and learn ~ without having to agree lockstep with anyone, or any thing. Thank you for this thoughtful post, and for your politeness, kindness and frankly, for your courage.
If we err on the side of saying nice things to complete strangers, we make the world a better place.
(Also, I saw a terribly obese person today and it made me so sad. I wanted to tell him that he can make his life better [you could see that he was not happy], just as someone I know and love did. I wish I could have helped.)
I can relate to this; sometimes just witnessing and feeling is an exchange. I sometimes say, peace to you. Peace to all beings, blessings. Etc. I do think some energy is observed and transferred, through awareness and your observant compassion. Thank you for this heartfelt and inspiring post, and thread.
There will always come a time that we should acknowledge someone’s need for our kindness and support. It’s sometimes hard to imagine but even the people we think are strong, happy and stable can be carrying a weight that is invisible to most all of the people around them. On the outside they are smiling, everything seems fine, but on the inside they’re hurting. I’m sure if we look inside ourselves there are many unresolved issues, maybe a judgement we placed on someone, or a person we refused forgiveness. Personally in the past there are a few people I had sat in judgement of when they most certainly needed a kind word, or understanding. There are times where people may need correction but more often than not people don’t need our judgement they need our support. Kindness or kind words are healing to people, it can be a medicine that we all have and should give many times more than we do. If we had the cure for what ails someone you know you would’nt withhold it from them. Kindness costs us nothing, and if we could sometimes put ourselves into another’s shoes we would be much more likely to hand out healing words.
I have a 2nd cousin that was raised by my aunt and uncle. They lived across the street from me growing up, we were very close in age, and for years best friends. In later years Peter got wrapped up into very heavy drug use. My uncle who outlived my mother’s sister loved Peter unconditionally, Peter was his grandson but was really like his actual son. My uncle worked very hard his whole life, sometimes 3 jobs, and was always pretty well off. Over a period of years Peter spent down all of my uncles money, well over a million dollars until they were living in a crappy motel in Walpole Ma.. Eventually my wife and I picked my Uncle up and took him in. He was too many times left at the motel hungry. Eventually we ended up, along with my sister, getting him into a nice assisted living facility right in my town. Although he fought it at first, he ended up fitting in and made lots of friends, he was a very active man. My sister and I had to kick in a little money each month to keep my uncle there. Of coarse over time that little amount kept growing.
Years and years later my uncle passed away he died broke and I held onto much resentment for my cousin Peter.
More years went by and when there was a death in my family I would see Peter, say hello, but I held that anger inside of me.
Over time probably from his very hard living Peter’s body began breaking down. I know he struggled between sobriety and drug use. I decided I would call him to see how he was doing. He answered the phone with a very weak voice and we had a long talk. He several times broke down weeping over what he had done to his grandfather and all of us that had to pick up the pieces, he apologized to me over and over. I told Peter that Uncle Roly loved him with all his heart and he only wanted to stay and live with him. At that point in Uncle Roly’s life he didn’t give a damn about the money or where they lived or anything else. As bad as things were he just wanted to be with you. He knew you did your best to stay with him and provide the best you could. I told Peter if we couldn’t do what we did God would not have given us the responsibility, we were fine with it.
About a week later Peter called me and thanked me for calling him. He said that I called at a time when he was really at a low point, that he struggles with depression and had many thoughts of ending his life. He said your phone call made me think different. I speak with Peter from time to time, he is sober, has a job and lives with a couple, that the wife was friends with Peter years ago, I consider her an angel. I’m glad I had called Peter that day and that we still speak.
Isn’t it something that a phone call and some kindness can make such a huge difference in a life. It can be as simple as saying, things are going to be ok, things will work out, God has you in the palm of his hand, or just I love you.
Sometimes we have to let go of our anger and resentment and show some kindness. Life is very short. J.Goodrich
Great post. I do my best to be friendly. I was taught that a stranger is a friend we haven't met yet. My Dad was too trusting though. I only fire off nastygrahams when replying to the same. It usually comes from Trolls who are either programmed bots or Nefarious actors.
—Of course I have heard that expression before, but it's a good reminder; thank you.
"My Dad was too trusting though"
—I think it often comes with the territory of being nice. (You don't mean harm, and you assume that others don't either.)
"when replying to the same"
—In my next installment, I am going to go into the power of being nice EVEN when someone else isn't. I will be interested to hear your opinion if you read it. (I plan to post it tomorrow.)
I, too, have incivility issues, most often when I am convinced of my correctness. I used to be proud of being a fundamentalist. Until I realized I shouldn't be. It is when we are most convinced that we are right about anything that we should be most wary. It is an almost invisible line between fundamentalism and fanaticism. Hubris may be the closest thing to the unforgivable sin.
Fantastic post; thank you. I was just thinking of similar things today ~ how civility and kindness can save a stranger's life. There are so many reasons to be kind, and to emanate that in our interactions when we can, and also to pull back when it is not appropriate. Thank you.
The ripple effects of our actions go outward into the gossamer web of interactions. One good act might save a life. One bad act might prevent generations of people from being born. We should try hard to be good!
> This desire has been enhanced by my experiences here at Substack. I decided early on that part of the service I would offer would be to communicate with (almost) everyone who choses to communicate with me. And I believe those communications have been greatly enriched by a focus on civility.
Noted an appreciated! You do a good job of conversing.
Have you adjusted your approach as your readership has grown and you've gotten more Comments (I ask while leaving yet another Comment for you to read and reply to 😅 )?
No, I have not really changed—if someone takes the time to make a comment, I really like to reply if possible. And it makes for good engagement and exploration of ideas.
But yeah, it is a full-time job now. I just wish it were paying a full-time salary!
Thanks—we are :-) Though tomorrow I begin a very long (two day) drive home. 🤣
Your experience is a good reminder. There are ways to turn conversations around, but there are some situations in which nothing will work. Some people, for whatever reason, are just too angry to hear. Ultimately, I feel bad for them (tho' it can be hard to hold onto that feeling in the moment).
I try to operate online as if everyone I engage with is somebody I may bump into in real life at some point in the near future. I'd like to be able to look that person in the eye and say "what's up?" rather than ducking around a corner to hide from embarrasment.
I rarely engage in hot button political discourse with anyone online any more, but if I do I always keep it civil and avoid personal attacks, if people could just stick to the rules of polite debate it wouldn't be such a shitstorm of negativity and divide out there.
100 percent. I'd rather have that person I meet be a potential friend rather than enemy.
Seems like such simple math. And yet…
A! is it "RUDE" to point out the error in the lamestream media reports of alleged airliner crashes on 9/11/2001 . . . Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
It's all about the way we do it—the way we communicate. We want to reach people, so we should find the best way to do that. Plus, being nicer feels better.
Bottom line is if you want to persuade people its better not to be a complete dick. The standards of behavior are even
more important when you are an out group rather than the dominant one which describes where the liberty movement sits. Heterodox ideas are already threatening so sounding unhinged only makes that worse. I struggle with this myself as I’m good at trolling, but I’ve been working on it.
"Heterodox ideas are already threatening so sounding unhinged only makes that worse."
—May I cite you on this?
"I struggle with this myself as I’m good at trolling, but I’ve been working on it."
—I get it. I know there are lots of personality types, and, as I plan to write tomorrow or Thursday, I hate to sound like I am prescribing or proscribing behavior. But it's about what's most effective, and as a movement libertarian/conservative/anarchist/classical liberal, I think it is essential that we be effective!
You can always quote me on anything
I mean anything I actually said 😁
"Every morning, I eat three twinkies and watch an episode of Bubble Guppies."
—Brett Richards
its 2 episodes, and ho ho’s not twinkies. this is the kind of misquoting that makes you problematic Chris.
Go eat your Chocodiles, guppy-lover.
🤣🤣🤣
You've done a good job with the attempt to maintain civility. Not just in your interactions with me, but with people that start out on the rude side of confrontational. I've seen you choose to pursue dialog with some and make progress. I've also seen you abandon the conversation when it's clear to you that productive conversation isn't going to happen. I'm sure you miss out on the the fun of a clever zinger, but when a disinterested third party sees the whole conversation, it advances your views in their mind. In the heat of argument we often forget the mind we are going to change is not the one on the other end of the debate, but rather the observers.
Yes, exactly!
All of these conversations also become part of the "permanent record" of the posts, to be seen at any time in the future. So there's one more incentive right there.
Thanks for the kind words—I am pleased to learn that you have observed my efforts. I occasionally stumble, but I am trying.
Beautiful post, Christopher. Substack amazes me sometimes, for often a thought pattern I have been exploring in my mind, say, while driving or running errands, comes out in a post by writers I often read, with deep resonance. Today, for example I was doing mundane but important errands, and I felt the need to emanate kindness ~ for the couples together, the cute teens in groups eating pizza, the alone dude, and for myself who is going through some intense growth, and change.
While driving I thought, "Isn't it important to comport oneself with kindness and set that environment for others, for we all need it these days." Then, i went on...the kid sitting alone having pizza felt better because I was okay sitting solo having pizza, taking a break in deep rest. Being kind and civilized can save a scared person's life. It can remind others that we are all going through stuff, and if we send out some love (not fake cheer or phony 'everything is just fine,') but the dignity of recognition ~ then, we can all remember that each phase of life is a common bond. And then, from that, we can share a respect for one another's experiences, and learn ~ without having to agree lockstep with anyone, or any thing. Thank you for this thoughtful post, and for your politeness, kindness and frankly, for your courage.
This is a beautiful sentiment. A kind word can go so far. So can a harsh word, the other direction. (See the story of the woman in the red dress here: https://christophercook.substack.com/p/hopeful-place-collective-consciousness)
If we err on the side of saying nice things to complete strangers, we make the world a better place.
(Also, I saw a terribly obese person today and it made me so sad. I wanted to tell him that he can make his life better [you could see that he was not happy], just as someone I know and love did. I wish I could have helped.)
I can relate to this; sometimes just witnessing and feeling is an exchange. I sometimes say, peace to you. Peace to all beings, blessings. Etc. I do think some energy is observed and transferred, through awareness and your observant compassion. Thank you for this heartfelt and inspiring post, and thread.
I do say this quietly, to whomever, not out loud. And maybe, they feel it. Thank you.
Thank you too. I would like to nurture the positive and reduce the negative in myself and around me. And this helps.
There will always come a time that we should acknowledge someone’s need for our kindness and support. It’s sometimes hard to imagine but even the people we think are strong, happy and stable can be carrying a weight that is invisible to most all of the people around them. On the outside they are smiling, everything seems fine, but on the inside they’re hurting. I’m sure if we look inside ourselves there are many unresolved issues, maybe a judgement we placed on someone, or a person we refused forgiveness. Personally in the past there are a few people I had sat in judgement of when they most certainly needed a kind word, or understanding. There are times where people may need correction but more often than not people don’t need our judgement they need our support. Kindness or kind words are healing to people, it can be a medicine that we all have and should give many times more than we do. If we had the cure for what ails someone you know you would’nt withhold it from them. Kindness costs us nothing, and if we could sometimes put ourselves into another’s shoes we would be much more likely to hand out healing words.
I have a 2nd cousin that was raised by my aunt and uncle. They lived across the street from me growing up, we were very close in age, and for years best friends. In later years Peter got wrapped up into very heavy drug use. My uncle who outlived my mother’s sister loved Peter unconditionally, Peter was his grandson but was really like his actual son. My uncle worked very hard his whole life, sometimes 3 jobs, and was always pretty well off. Over a period of years Peter spent down all of my uncles money, well over a million dollars until they were living in a crappy motel in Walpole Ma.. Eventually my wife and I picked my Uncle up and took him in. He was too many times left at the motel hungry. Eventually we ended up, along with my sister, getting him into a nice assisted living facility right in my town. Although he fought it at first, he ended up fitting in and made lots of friends, he was a very active man. My sister and I had to kick in a little money each month to keep my uncle there. Of coarse over time that little amount kept growing.
Years and years later my uncle passed away he died broke and I held onto much resentment for my cousin Peter.
More years went by and when there was a death in my family I would see Peter, say hello, but I held that anger inside of me.
Over time probably from his very hard living Peter’s body began breaking down. I know he struggled between sobriety and drug use. I decided I would call him to see how he was doing. He answered the phone with a very weak voice and we had a long talk. He several times broke down weeping over what he had done to his grandfather and all of us that had to pick up the pieces, he apologized to me over and over. I told Peter that Uncle Roly loved him with all his heart and he only wanted to stay and live with him. At that point in Uncle Roly’s life he didn’t give a damn about the money or where they lived or anything else. As bad as things were he just wanted to be with you. He knew you did your best to stay with him and provide the best you could. I told Peter if we couldn’t do what we did God would not have given us the responsibility, we were fine with it.
About a week later Peter called me and thanked me for calling him. He said that I called at a time when he was really at a low point, that he struggles with depression and had many thoughts of ending his life. He said your phone call made me think different. I speak with Peter from time to time, he is sober, has a job and lives with a couple, that the wife was friends with Peter years ago, I consider her an angel. I’m glad I had called Peter that day and that we still speak.
Isn’t it something that a phone call and some kindness can make such a huge difference in a life. It can be as simple as saying, things are going to be ok, things will work out, God has you in the palm of his hand, or just I love you.
Sometimes we have to let go of our anger and resentment and show some kindness. Life is very short. J.Goodrich
I think everyone should read this wise message and powerful account. I will restack it.
Thank You Christopher.
Great post. I do my best to be friendly. I was taught that a stranger is a friend we haven't met yet. My Dad was too trusting though. I only fire off nastygrahams when replying to the same. It usually comes from Trolls who are either programmed bots or Nefarious actors.
" a stranger is a friend we haven't met yet"
—Of course I have heard that expression before, but it's a good reminder; thank you.
"My Dad was too trusting though"
—I think it often comes with the territory of being nice. (You don't mean harm, and you assume that others don't either.)
"when replying to the same"
—In my next installment, I am going to go into the power of being nice EVEN when someone else isn't. I will be interested to hear your opinion if you read it. (I plan to post it tomorrow.)
I, too, have incivility issues, most often when I am convinced of my correctness. I used to be proud of being a fundamentalist. Until I realized I shouldn't be. It is when we are most convinced that we are right about anything that we should be most wary. It is an almost invisible line between fundamentalism and fanaticism. Hubris may be the closest thing to the unforgivable sin.
I think these realizations help us to grow and try to do better. Works in progress.
Fantastic post; thank you. I was just thinking of similar things today ~ how civility and kindness can save a stranger's life. There are so many reasons to be kind, and to emanate that in our interactions when we can, and also to pull back when it is not appropriate. Thank you.
The ripple effects of our actions go outward into the gossamer web of interactions. One good act might save a life. One bad act might prevent generations of people from being born. We should try hard to be good!
This is very deep, and I believe it is metaphysically true, now more than ever. Thank you.
> This desire has been enhanced by my experiences here at Substack. I decided early on that part of the service I would offer would be to communicate with (almost) everyone who choses to communicate with me. And I believe those communications have been greatly enriched by a focus on civility.
Noted an appreciated! You do a good job of conversing.
Have you adjusted your approach as your readership has grown and you've gotten more Comments (I ask while leaving yet another Comment for you to read and reply to 😅 )?
Thank you :-)
No, I have not really changed—if someone takes the time to make a comment, I really like to reply if possible. And it makes for good engagement and exploration of ideas.
But yeah, it is a full-time job now. I just wish it were paying a full-time salary!
Indeed! Tomorrow, I want to talk about methods to turn such conversations into something productive. Got any thoughts to add to that mix?
Thanks—we are :-) Though tomorrow I begin a very long (two day) drive home. 🤣
Your experience is a good reminder. There are ways to turn conversations around, but there are some situations in which nothing will work. Some people, for whatever reason, are just too angry to hear. Ultimately, I feel bad for them (tho' it can be hard to hold onto that feeling in the moment).