It's So Easy to Be Rude to Each Other Online

But we really should try not to be (DN 4.3)

Cover page | Preface | Introduction 1 | Introduction 2 | Introduction 3 |

(Part I) Why: 1.0 | 1.1 | 1.2 | 1.3 | 1.4 | 1.5 | 1.6 | 1.7 | 1.8 | 1.9 | 1.10 | 1.11 | 1.12 | 1.13 | 1.14 | 1.15 | 1.16 | 1.17 | 1.18 | 1.19 | 1.20 | 1.21 |1.22

(Part II) What: 2.0 | 2.1 | 2.2 | 2.3 | 2.4 | 2.5 | 2.6 | 2.7 | 2.8 | 2.9 | 2.10 I 2.11 | 2.12 | 2.13 | 2.14 | 2.15 | 2.16 | 2.17 | 2.XX | 2.18 | 2.19 | 2.20 | 2.21 | | Where: 3.0 | 3.1 | 3.2 | 3.3 | 3.4 | 3.5 | 3.6 | 3.7 | 3.8 | 3.9 | 3.10 | 3.11 | 3.12 | 3.13 || Who: 4.0 | 4.1 | 4.2 | 4.3

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Note: This is an installment of The Distributed Nation. For installments of The Freedom Scale (book), see here.

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Chapter 4.3
Civility 1: Challenges and Admissions

We are now moving through our fourth chapter: Who. We are discussing who we are and who we would like to be. What is the unshakeable ground on which we stand? What does it mean to be free? What sort of people make common cause in a nation such as ours? Eventually, we will even explore the concept of a personal declaration of independence.

Along the way, we will also consider some aspirational values. Our core values—consent, freedom, rights, sovereignty, and independence—are sine qua non. They are what make us us. But we can also have some cultural and character goals to which we would like to aspire. Without actually imposing a culture, we nonetheless want to ask ourselves, and each other, what sort of culture we might wish to have. In other words,

What sort of people should we want to be?

Civility

One value that keeps coming to the fore is civility. An emphasis on civility would solve many problems in human life. There is very little downside to increasing one’s degree of civility, and tons of upside potential.

This applies to each of us as individuals, and to a nation comprised of such individuals. There are benefits both internally and externally.

Civility opens the door to friendship. Civility attracts allies rather than creating enemies. Civility generates admiration. And it all costs so little.

Online Challenges

Let’s start with ourselves. A few of us will know each other in the real world, and that will certainly increase as we grow and attract new people who want to be truly free and independent. But generally speaking, the internet is the first venue in which we will find each other…and the internet is not exactly the most civil place.

Indeed, on some days, it seems like the internet is where civility went to die.

It’s a story we all know far too well: manners are usually the first thing to fall by the wayside in online discussions. This problem exists at several levels:

Complete anonymity is arguably the most damaging to civility. People hiding behind a false identity feel free to indulge the worst in themselves, rather than nurturing the best. Obviously some people have good reason to remain anonymous, and they conduct themselves with civility nonetheless. But not all.

Even when one’s identity is known, the internet still provides a shield in the form of physical separation. There are several aspects of in-person communication that keep such communication more polite…

First and foremost, a person with whom you are communicating in person just seems more real. Obviously, we want to hold onto that feeling when dealing with someone online, but if we’re being honest (and we must be honest), it’s just not the same. There is something that makes in-person communication naturally warmer and gentler.

Perhaps the answer is as simple as this: we were made for in-person interactions, not online ones, and we simply haven’t yet evolved the necessary approach to online communication. If so, wouldn’t we like to be the ones who do evolve it?

And, of course, there are…other in-person mechanisms for keeping things civil that don’t exist online, which helps explain why people frequently say things online that would get them punched in the face in person.

Shouldn’t we aspire to be the sort of people who don’t say such things? In addition to the rudeness of it all, isn’t there also a measure of cowardice in talking to people online in ways that we wouldn’t dare do in person? We don’t want to be cowards.

Even when we are trying to be civil (or at least not actively trying to be rude), tone is still very easy to mistake when communicating in text only. Emojis help somewhat, but here too, it’s just not the same as the cues we give and receive in person. The most innocent conversation can go off the rails due to misunderstandings of tone.

This problem is further exacerbated by the fact that different people have different skill levels as writers. Better writers have an easier time massaging words to achieve the desired tone. (Of course, they still must choose to do so.)

Haste is another problem online. We’re in a rush. Our attention is being drawn hither and yon. We want to bang out a reply in one spot and then move on to the next. As such, we don’t always take the time to word things with the care that we should. (And that care really can make a huge difference, as we will discuss below.)

We also have the problem of perverse incentives. Trolling, shitposting, and online aggression, repellent though they generally are, do attract attention and followers. A little of it may be okay here and there, for fun, but it gets out of hand far too easily. Some people, once they have experienced the encouragement of onlookers, adopt shitposting as a lifestyle. That really doesn’t help, and frankly, it’s a terrible look.

A desire to change

There are many ways to overcome these challenges. The first, of course, is that we must want to overcome them. Knowing there is a problem that ought to be solved is always the first step to improvement.

This is the moment in the story when I must offer my own personal disclosures…

I didn’t always have a focus on being civil online. I was never a shitposter, of course, but I have always felt passionate about my beliefs (even the ones I now know were terribly wrong), and that passion caused me to raise my voice at times. Let’s just say that my hot-blooded Italian half has occasionally gotten the better of me, both online and in person.

At some point, however, I decided that this is not the way. It was both an unconscious, organic decision and a conscious one. I realized I wanted to do better.

This desire has been enhanced by my experiences here at Substack. I decided early on that part of the service I would offer would be to communicate with (almost) everyone who choses to communicate with me. And I believe those communications have been greatly enriched by a focus on civility.

I have not always succeeded, of course. There are times when I pay insufficient attention to my tone, or I am moving too quickly and don’t fully think through how what I say might be perceived.

I also sometimes lose patience. I occasionally forget, for example, that a question I have been asked 1,000 times is still entirely new to each questioner who is asking it.

All of this, in other words, is a work in progress.

But I do believe I have done reasonably well. To whatever extent I am known here on Substack, I am known for communicating with everyone, and for trying to keep those conversations productive and civil. And it has borne real fruit.

This isn’t about me, but I believe my experiences can help inform our exploration of the benefits of adopting civility as a value. Those benefits are tremendous, and there are some easy rules of thumb to help us get there, as we will discuss.

(Note: Because I am traveling and my writing time is temporarily limited, I have to cut this installment on civility into multiple parts. Next, we will talk about ways to be more civil, and then after that we will discuss the benefits of adopting civility as a value.)\